Why our thoughts aren’t true, they are just sentences in our brains.

Let me tell you the secret to life. You’re going to hate it. And the more you hate it the more you need to know it. 

The thoughts in our head are not inherently true.  They are just thoughts. 

Most of us walk around all day with thousands of thoughts moving through our brains. And we take them seriously.  Because they come from inside of us we believe them.  We assume what they are telling us is true. 

But that’s not the case. 

Our brains are incredibly sensitive learning machines.  From childhood our brains have been absorbing the world around us and adapting to it.  What was once a blank slate becomes filled with programming from our parents, siblings, friends and teachers. It fills up with messages from society in general through TV, media, books and interacting with others.  The older we grow the more we can select the influences that impact us, but we cannot remove the older ones, they are still there. 

So when a thought comes up in your head and you believe it, you might be believing something you consciously decided to believe like racial justice is important and women deserve equal pay to men. But, it’s also possible (and I think more likely) that the thought that arises is not a well decided point of view, but an imprint from society, culture or our early caregivers. 

• I’m too fat for anyone to be interested in dating me 

• Something is wrong with me because I’m single 

• Having kids is what will give my life purpose 

• I should be working harder 

• I don’t have enough hobbies

• I might have been smart in high school but I won’t be smart in college 

• If I quit my corporate job I’ll be a failure 

These are all thoughts that I have had.  My brain has served them up to me and said here: These are facts about yourself and your life.  These are true. 

For a long time I believed they were true.  Because I also had great thoughts about myself. 

• I learn fast and I’m capable of taking on new challenges 

• I have had amazing travel experience around the world  

• I have great friends who love spending time with me 

• I’m likable and funny 

My experience of living inside of my brain was a constant ping pong game all of the time.  Whatever my brain threw at me, whether positive or negative, I believed it. 

You probably believe it too. 

When we believe all of our thoughts it creates a volatile state.  We can be down one minute and soaring the next. We can try to do many things to manipulate our moods but nothing reliably works because we’re actually just leaving it up to random chance of what our brain wants to supply to us at that moment. 

But these thoughts aren’t inherently true.  They are just sentences in our minds. 

We treat our brains as if they are reliable narrators when we should be treating them as well meaning sponges that soak up everything they come in contact with, spitting out advice they think will keep us safe.

New job? Make sure you put in extra hours so they know you are working hard.  New school? Make sure you conform to fit in. New relationship? You shouldn’t ask for too much or they might run away. 

Is this advice helpful? Maybe sometimes. But more than not it’s a survival mechanism. And it’s often damanging. It’s your brain trying to keep you safe based on the patterns it has recognized in society.  Being a woman in our society is an added level of complexity, let alone being a woman of color or a woman of other overlapping intersectionality.   

Let me explain. Maybe society in general tells us that you need to work extra hours to be successful in a corporate career. But for women it also teaches us to be polite, not bold.  Not to negotiate for higher salaries. Not to raise our hands and ask for the assignments we really want.  We’re taught to ask for permission, doubt ourselves and look to authority to make decisions for us. 

If you believe your unfiltered thoughts you are believing all of this.  You are believing what society chooses to tell you about being a woman (or person of color, or LGTBQ+, or non able bodied, or any marginalized identity) instead of what you chose to tell yourself. 

That’s why I think it’s so important to critically question our thoughts and decide on purpose how we want to think about things. 

Because no matter how awesome you are, there are still some remnants of thoughts from much farther back.  They tell you that you aren’t enough, that you are bad, that you will be in danger if you stick your neck out, that being different puts too much at risk.  

To believe them is to participate in repressing yourself. 

Is that dramatic? Maybe. But I think it matters. Both for the larger social context of creating a more equal society and also for our day to day experience of life. 

Because the other thing about deciding which thoughts you want to believe is that it really brings down the noise of the ping pong game going on inside of your brain.  When you deliberately choose what to believe you can have a calmer, less reactive experience of life. 

Which for me, has changed everything. 

If you want to learn how to approach your thoughts with intentionality, then schedule a free 30 minute introduction with me today.