Clean vs dirty pain and how it will change the way you process emotions.

One of the most impactful tools I’ve learned through coaching is the concept of ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ pain and how helpful it can be to focus on feeling clean pain. 

Let me give you an example.  When someone applies for a promotion and doesn’t get it they might feel disappointed and sad.  They were excited about an opportunity, genuinely wanted it and it didn’t turn out the way they had hoped.  This is the clean pain.  But quickly their mind turns to all the things that not getting this promotion ‘means’ about them: they aren’t good at their job, they won’t ever get promoted, their boss hates them, there won’t be another opportunity. This is the dirty pain.  

The clean pain is genuine emotion based on the facts of what happened. It’s normal to feel pain as a human, and we should allow and process this. The dirty pain is shame or hopelessness we create based on assumptions we make – often worst case assumptions. It doesn’t help us to indulge in these spirals or the feelings they create.  

I work with my clients to help reframe their negative interpretation of a situation into more neutral ground.  From there we can identify neutral or positive thoughts that help them move forward instead of stay stuck. 

Here’s what one of my clients had to say about this:

‘‘One concept that Kelsey taught me that completely changed how I thought about my internal dialogue was ‘clean vs dirty’ pain. Once I started looking for the dirty pain in my brain, I realized I was finding it everywhere.  I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it or the effect it had on me. It made me think really black and white about situations. I wasn’t able to problem solve when I was stuck in those thought patterns. 

Now I realize, I have a choice to expend energy worrying, fretting, and feeling sick about things that haven't happened yet.  Or I can choose not to spend my energy on that and instead co-opt it for something that actually gets me closer to my goals.’’