How to feel more confident in decision making.

There are a few things people get wrong when they look at making decisions in their life.  The first is to frame the decision as if there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ decision.  Like somehow life is a big multiple choice test and you’re here to make sure you fill in the right bubbles to pass (deep cut, I know).  

Framing the decision with ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ brings it into a binary that isn’t useful in moving forward.  What it does is raise the stakes super high and keep you stuck. What if you could have a fantastic life no matter which way you went? 

Which brings me to the second point.  We know we are stuck, or in most cases we have arguments for both sides of the decision.  Both have pros and cons and we allow ourselves to go back and forth over and over without choosing a side.  Why? Because we are waiting to not feel scared or anxious or worried.  We are waiting until we feel ‘ready’ or ‘sure’ or ‘confident’. We are waiting to take action without having to have a negative feeling.  

This isn’t how it works. 

What if I told you that no matter which decision you made you would have lots of feelings about it. Some that we like to have like happiness and excitement and some we don’t always prefer like fear and sadness? 

How would you make the decision then?  

Drawing a blank?  Yea, because this is how we are taught to assess our decision making. Choose things that make you feel good and not things that make you feel bad.  But we just discussed the flaw in that system.  You never feel fully good and so you stay in inaction.  You just don’t choose, which in itself is a choice. 

So here’s what you do. 

Instead of waiting to feel good, you ask yourself this question: 

What am I afraid will happen if I make the wrong choice? 

Why does this work? First, let’s just go into the heart of darkness. What is the worst case scenario you are actually imagining? Forcing your brain to face the actual fears you have often reveals that it’s a big old drama king.   

You’re afraid that if you take that new job and hate it you’ll get fired and end up living with your parents. Really brain? That’s it? No steps in between? No other choices we could make that would impact that future scenario? Just straight to the basement. 

Seeing your worst case scenario in black and white means you can think about it critically instead of just believing it’s ‘bad’.  Interrogate it. What would you really do in that situation? Would you maybe find another job? Get a roommate for a while? How likely is it that this would even happen? Why would this new job that just hired you decide you are terrible and fire you immediately? What is the actual percentage likelihood that would happen? Seriously, make your brain answer that. Like 3%? 

Okay, now that we’ve poked at our fears a bit and see that they are making bigger shadows on the wall to seem bigger and scarier than they actually are… Let's ask ourselves this: 

Am I willing to accept the risk of the worst case scenario in order to become the person I want to become?

Why does this work? For two reasons.  First, it makes the abstract fear of risk concrete. No decision is without risk. But we often discuss them as if they don’t have any.  Like if we just feel good enough about the decision then there is no possible downside.  But that’s never true. You are always accepting some risk with a decision.  Even if that decision is to stay still. 

Making that a concrete choice instead of a looming fear makes a huge difference to how you approach the decision. 

Make the decision on purpose with the possible downside acknowledged explicitly. 

The other reason this works is it evokes your identity.  In asking, am I willing to do this to become the person I want to become you elevate the question from just this one decision to who you are as a person. 

If the answer is yes, then you circumvent the drama.  The specifics of the fear have been laid on the table, assessed and agreed to not by the anxious current you but by the future calm, wise and benevolent you.  

Does this mean you’ll feel great about the decision afterwards? Not always. But it does mean that the next time you question it, you can gently remind your brain:

Yes, I see the risk. Yes, it’s a valid concern. And still, I want to proceed because taking action aligns with who I want to become. 

This alignment with our wise self outlasts feelings which go up and down or come and go.  It steadies the process after you have made a choice to continue on the path with more confidence and less self doubt.