Why you take forever to make decisions.

I was working with a client recently who struggled to make decisions. Even for small things, like what restaurant to go have dinner at she’d agonize over for hours.  Imagining being at each one, trying to anticipate what she would be craving on Thursday night, what option would be the most delicious, provide the best experience.  

She was trying to optimize the dinner out, but her criteria shifted constantly as she considered the scenarios from different angles.  One place had the best atmosphere, another the perfect chocolate cake. One was a new place that offered an opportunity to discover and another was a favorite that had the most craveable pasta.  She would get stuck because she didn’t know how to prioritize all of these seemingly different variables. 

She knew the decision didn’t warrant that much time spent on it. In fact she was fully capable of making competent decisions at work. But when it came to her personal life she couldn’t figure out how to make decisions quicker. Whether it was dinner, her next trip or where she wanted to spend the holidays her options were plentiful and each had its pros and cons. 

After a few conversations, we figured out the unlock for her.  She was trying to avoid feeling her feelings. If she decided to have the amazing chocolate cake then she had to be disappointed that she didn’t get to go to the new place everyone was trying. If she chose the new place then she risked not liking it and would regret not picking her favorite place. 

But here’s the thing. There is no decision that we can make that takes away all of our negative emotions. It doesn’t work like that. 

So my client’s brain was trying to solve a puzzle that had no solution. It was telling her to make the decision that meant she would definitely absolutely be happy and would not have to feel sad, disappointed, or angry.  Since that solution didn’t exist she was stuck in a pattern of constantly evaluating her options.  

This was a pattern that had affected her for years. And finally she understood what was happening.  Her brain was trying to protect her from feelings – an impossible task. 

She let it be okay that she might feel disappointed or sad. And that released the pressure to make the ‘perfect’ decision each time. She spent much less time considering options because she had the confidence that she could coach herself on whatever feelings did come up as a result of those decisions. 

This is obviously a small example of how people get into analysis paralysis with decision making. But the root cause is often the same whether the decision is big or small. The belief that there is a right answer that will reduce our suffering.  A decision where we won’t have to feel pain.